


He Tried So He Did

by piecesofme



Series: Tumblr Rants [3]
Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 17:35:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 16,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15224279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piecesofme/pseuds/piecesofme
Summary: As Simon begins to question the stability of his relationships, one mistake will change everything and Simon's new personality will leave his friends and family wondering who this new Simon is.His Tumblr has helped Simon figure out who he is as a person and who he wants in his life, but these final entries will help him figure out who he wants to become.





	1. Cha-cha-cha-changes

Aug 28 - 8:47pm

Senior Year was like the Thursday night of high school, and the beginning of the end. I was growing up and I was actually blossoming… changing. And the thought of it made me nervous.

Bram could sense my nervousness, but I reassured him that it was probably just first day jitters. I didn't know how to tell him that I hadn't seen Leah or Nick all summer because either they were out of town or I was. And when I wasn't, I was wrapped up in my cocoon of Bram. I had disappeared into my relationship, and forgotten about my friends.

I desperately wanted to just stay with Bram in his car to avoid any awkwardness, but he was having none of it. It was time to be independent.

I didn't know anything about Nick or Leah's life. All I knew was that Nick decided to spend the summer away with his grandparents, while Leah decided to get a new hairstyle. Normally, we spend hours debating a simple trim, and suddenly, she had hacked and whacked without even a text.

Maybe it wasn't me that had forgotten about my friends. Maybe it was my friends that had forgotten about me.

Even my relationship with Ms. Albright had changed. Apparently, she and Leah became good friends during the Europe trip... so much so that they talk on the phone and have each other on Facebook.

I wanted to see if Ms. Albright could change my elective from Creative Writing to something I had actually signed up for. To my shock and horror, Ms. Albright took it upon herself to submit my blog to Mr. Wise because she thinks I can meet the challenges of his class.

I told her I didn't want a challenge but she insisted that senior year was a time to evolve and change. Maybe Ms. Albright has a point. Maybe I needed a change.

Change was everywhere, even for Martin. The entire school was trying to confirm whether or not he was the father of the new STD going around. 

Lunch was the perfect time to see if my friendship with Leah had changed along with her hair. While she was telling me about her time abroad, all I could think about was how I needed to know if we were still besties. I was getting the feeling that I was being sidelined and left behind. Europe wasn't the only thing throwing us off. Our lack of connection was too and, suddenly, my stomach felt unsettled.

Leah needed to moderate the Euro brag because I was really trying to tell her something important and that got harder to do when Cal showed up and informed me about their joint Facebook page. I didn't want Cal to know about my dilemma, so I just told them about me being in Creative Writing this year.

Cal warmed me that Mr. Wise was a sadist, so I was starting to get nervous again. I was also starting to feel floored by how much I was ignored. But if flying under the radar was my new forte, then being invisible was going to have its benefits in class.

Mr. Wise was a nut. Just on the first day, he kicked out three students from his class and pretty much told the class that we suck as writers. He didn't care who we were as people because all he wanted to know was who we wanted to be. To him, writing is about conquering our fears and putting into paper the thing that we were most afraid to share... and our first assignment was exactly that. We didn't have to put our names on it, so we could be completely honest under the guise of anonymity.

The confessions varied from "I'm afraid of failing" and "I'm afraid of my suicidal thoughts" to "I'm afraid I masturbate too much." The one that caught everyone's attention was "I'm debating my fear of life and death, and wondering if it should be my choice." Mr. Wise thought it was just another cliché suicidal fear while everyone else thought it was about pregnancy and abortion.

Bram, being the good boyfriend that he is, drove me home and while I really wanted him to stay with me, I knew he had to go to practice. He could sense that something was wrong, so I told him about my weird day and how I was starting to feel like I made a mistake not going away this summer. I was starting to feel like a different person and I was scared of being alone and forgotten. He pulled me in for a tight hug and reminded me that I would never be alone because I had him.

My dad wanted to hear about my day because according to him it should feel special being a senior. There wasn't much to tell, so I excused myself to my room to call Leah. She quickly picked up and was in a panic because Cal hadn't texted her back in three hours. As I was getting ready to comfort her, Cal called and she hung up. I didn't even get to tell her about my summer.


	2. Fear of Change

Aug 29 - 7:10pm

With so many things changing, some things were still the same. Once again, I was blogging, or whining, if you will, about my woes. But there was something that I didn't want to admit, and yet, desperate to share.

It had nothing to do with forgetting my friends or them forgetting me. It was something forgotten one summer night. A momentary mistake that I had filed under denial... a secret that could change everything.

Because I was the one who wrote the confession about debating a fear of life and death, and I was the one wondering if it should be my choice.

Because I didn't know what I would choose if I was HIV positive.

I had to tell someone and since both Leah and Nick seemed so far out of reach, I decided to tell my parents. My mom immediately asked me if the condom broke or if I even used one at all. I tried to justify myself by saying it was just one time, but my dad pointed out how it only takes one time to get any STD. I felt so dumb because I knew I wasn't thinking and I was just caught up in the moment.

They insisted on driving me to the teen clinic and getting tested. While the test was quick and painless, the wait for the results felt like an eternity. My parents kept reminding me that no matter the result, they would be there for me. In the end, I didn’t have HIV and while I was relieved, but I didn’t know how I would tell my friends about my scare.


	3. Dead Like Me

Sep 4 - 6:06pm

Leah had finally gotten over Garrett because she and Cal had DTR'd. I thought she wasn't about defining anything this year, but she confessed to posturing. With that worry out of the way, Leah apologized for being MIA lately and finally wanted to know about my summer.

Just as I was about to tell her about my HIV scare, Ms. Albright informs us about Garrett's death...

Death. It was an inevitable part of life. And while it was a fate that awaited us all, the unexpected death of Garrett Laughlin was a shock to everyone's system. Not to mention, for a ritual called "Sitting Shiva," we had been doing a lot of standing.

Unfortunately, some peeps couldn't help but lock their knees, because everyone processed loss in their own way. For some, sorrow was externalized openly. While others, like Leah, surprisingly kept it more in check.

There was no right or wrong way to react to a death. Grieving was personal.

Leah had been totally uncommunicative lately, which was not normal. She was processing and probably just trying to work some things out. Martin was also not acting like his usual self. He was depressed and now things have only gotten worse for him after losing his latest hookup. And Abby was in total spaz mode when she found out Garrett died from an allergic reaction to peanuts... but it seemed like no one knew that fact about him. How could he be protected if he didn't tell anyone?

Cal and Bram thought it was insane how much we didn't know about Garrett, but it really wasn't insane. It was understandable. There were a lot of things we didn't know about the people around us, including the things Bram didn't know about me.

Bram still didn't know about my HIV scare, and hopefully he never would. To ensure it never happened again, I needed to ingest some good luck via gefilte fish. It was time for me to be more responsible even if responsibility was a process.


	4. Responsibly Irresponsible

Sep 8 - 7:38pm

It had been four days since the news of Garrett’s death by peanut had hit the halls of Creekwood High. And by the looks of it, no one was ready to move on anytime soon.

Ethan started planning a vigil to pay tribute to Garrett while others started using Ouija boards to converse with the devil. For teenagers, death took on different meanings.

For some, it was a reason to party. For others it was a calling to commit to a higher power. And for the rest of us, it was a time to reflect. But reflection post-death took on all different shapes and sizes. And for Bram, it meant fitting his square peg into my round hole.

As suspected, Bram was YOLOing. And while I also wanted to celebrate the fact that I wasn't six feet under, just being alive meant I could still die at any time. I wasn't ready to risk dying mid bone session at school. But I couldn't skip out on the sex forever.

Leah was still a mess and lashing out at everyone for trying to "out-mourn" each other. She kept telling Bram and I that we barely knew Garrett, so we had no real reason to feel bad. According to her, everyone was being insensitive especially Cal when he suggested skipping fifth and sixth period because they were not mandatory. She was so mad that she immediately got up and walked out of the cafeteria telling Cal they were over.

Cal asked me to check if Leah really did break up with him, so I followed her to her locker where she was crying. She was convinced that she was the one who killed Garrett because she voodooed him. I had to laugh because it sounded so ridiculous, but Leah was convinced it was the Wiccan spells she bought online that made her into a witch capable of ending someone's life.

At first she just wanted to disfigure Garrett, or make his thyroid stop working so he'd get really fat. But when she saw him with Martin at the Black Hearts Party, she casted a spelled that would make him want to die. I had to calm her down because I knew that she was only feeling grief guilt.

As Leah walked off her feelings of guilt, mine were left unchecked. Was I being too hard on myself to bear the full brunt of responsibility for my close call with HIV? Maybe I needed some consoling for myself.

Ms. Albright's office hours were at an all-time high. Every kid wanted to share their anxiety and/or use Garrett's death as an excuse to get out of PE. Either way, it was an annoying misuse of the system, because I was relegated to the back of the line.

Not everything was about me. It took two to tango, and it was time to rationally explain that to Bram. I told him he needed to stop being so horny and that I am not just some gentleman of the night and that I am more than just his personal jolly juice receptacle.

I don't want to start thinking about being an adult right now, or start dealing with my own issues of life and death. I needed to know that he was in this for me and not just my funhouse. Bram needed to ruminate on the error of his ways before the vigil.

After school, I asked my parents if they could drive me to the clinic in order to get PrEP. I didn't need to blame Bram or myself. I just needed to take action.

At the vigil, Bram was careful with his words because he was worried that no matter what he said it was the wrong thing. I had been going through all these weird emotions and freaking out about our relationship that I didn't consider his feelings.

He assured me that our relationship more than about sex... and to prove it he got a tattoo of my name on his thigh. Maybe it was a little weird, awesome, impulsive, and incredibly irresponsible, but Bram was proving his affection in the most permanent way possible.

We decided to put the brakes on sex for a little bit. It doesn't have to be too long. Just seven to ten days until PrEP became effective.

Ethan really didn't know Garrett, but the vigil was very tasteful until Martin showed up. He made a speech about how much he hated Garrett for being a cheater and a liar. Martin kept repeating how he wanted Garrett dead and even once paid someone money to cast a spell on him so that he would die. What Martin hated the most was feeling guilty for not feeling guilty.

Leah's speech was much more tame. She hated Garrett too for making her life miserable for three years by toying with her heart. Others agreed with her on that point because Garrett clearly knew how to spread the love around… a little too much. Garrett Laughlin was the first boy Leah had ever fallen in love with. Or at least the first boy she thought she was in love with and he showed her that she could really love someone.

After a toast to the douchebag, the vigil became an all-out bacchanal. It was a free-for-all of seizing the moment. Everyone was embracing their youth, and celebrating being alive. And in that moment, I didn't feel like I had to play it safe or be responsible. Because I wasn't driving and I was free to drink as much as I pleased.

Cal wanted me to slow down on the drinks, but I explained to him that I had no reason to because I was STD free. Bram overheard my comment and told me to get a ride with someone else because he was heading home.

He was mad that I didn't tell him about my HIV scare and that I confided that information onto Cal. I wanted to clear things up but he wanted me to respect the fact that he didn't want to talk about it now.


	5. A Little Less Conversation

Sep 15 - 6:21pm

It had been a week since Bram found out about the HIV scare, and he seemed to be doing everything in his power to ensure we didn't have another. He kept insisting everything was fine, but his actions said otherwise.

It was weird. We weren't talking, we weren't doing it, and what was worse, we weren't talking about not doing it. Our communication was at an all-time low.

In light of the tragic and untimely demise of Garrett Laughlin, Ms. Albright was taking precautionary measures to make the school a peanut-free zone. Or "pea-not" zone as she would say. The nut checks were a bit much but not as extra as when she asked me when was the last time I had a nut in my mouth... it was a good question.

Okay, I'm not saying I'm at an 11 on the panic meter, but I am inching towards a 7. Something was definitely off in my relationship. It was pretty clearblue easy to Leah though. She knows that Bram was still freaked out over the HIV scare because Cal told her about it.

Kinda cute how they tell each other everything but I can't help but feel like that's also a bit unhealthy... and kinda creepy. Next thing you know, they'll be one of those couples who shares an email.

Leah said she was already over the shock of having to find out about all of this though Cal. I tried to explain how I was going to tell her first at the beginning of the school year, but she understood why there were certain things we should keep to ourselves.

Nick knew Bram and I were all action and no talk, but he wanted to know if I had even asked him if everything was okay. Obviously, I did ask him but all he would respond was "sure, babe."

Leah gasped because to her a "sure, babe" is one step away from "whatever, honey," which is the gateway phrase to "take care," which we all know is the end. I was officially at an 11 on the panic meter.

While I had no idea what was going on in Bram's head, Cal knew what Leah packed for lunch. If every couple had a different way of interfacing, Bram and I were somewhere in the middle of the spectrum.

Maybe the way to get us back on track was to go back to basics? Sex in a forbidden place, where one of us was likely to come out the other end needing a tetanus shot... but it was worth the risk because making out had stopped me from freaking out. With Bram and me, getting some action always spoke louder than words.

I had no reason to be insecurious. We were no longer noobs at sex. We were seniors. And as such, we were going to take our time... until Bram told me we needed to talk. It was time to stop worrying and start freaking out again. Bram wanted to talk.

Bram didn't want to get laid, he wanted to talk. I couldn't be alone with him because I was not emotionally prepared for the talk right now. I needed another day to process. Leah had an idea and it turned out to be the thing she had been begging me to do since we were kids.

She had been dreaming about this since she was six and the timing seemed perfect. She met me, and then I met Bram, and then I met Cal, and then I cheated on Cal with Bram, and then Leah started dating Cal, and now I'm with Bram, so it was only logical to have the BFGFBFF.

It was completely insane, but I was all in. Sure, I was using the boyfriend-girlfriend-best-friends-forever double date as a security blanket. But as long as I wasn't alone with Bram, I didn't have to have the talk.

Until Bram tried to give me a ride home. I told him that I felt like walking today and then he tried luring me into that convo with sugary treats. He was trying to take me to a second location. Stranger danger!

I mean, how well did I really know Bram? Clearly, not well enough to know what he wanted to talk about.


	6. BFGFBFF

I needed Leah to promise me not to leave me alone with Bram. No alone time meant no talk and she was an expert at putting her face where it didn't belong.

My dad was excited for the BFGFBFF because it allowed him to reminisce about his own double dates with Allen. He did note that we were much more mature than both of them at their age because Allen would spike my dad's pregame drinks with prune juice so he would have explosive diarrhea.

He also pointed out it was bad luck to wear a gift from an ex. I didn't know what to do with the necklace Cal gave me when we were dating, so I decided to give it to Leah. It only made things much weirder.

I didn't mean to spoil the BFGFBFF, but in case Leah and Cal couldn't keep it above the neck, I needed reinforcements. I invited Nick and Taylor to tag along. While I wasn't sure if they were dating, it guaranteed a solid group date.

We were all sort of crammed into Cal's car, so Bram suggested taking two cars instead. I had to object because two is not a group. Six is a group. Five could also be considered a group. Four also, but never two.

While we figured out the configuration of seating arrangement, Bram's phone rang. I told him that he should answer in case it was an emergency and he had to leave... anything to avoid the talk. And as a bonus, if he bailed, we would have more room in the car. All he said was “sure, babe.”

The group date was a bust. Who ever heard of needing a reservation at a Thai place? But Bram and I seemed to be all good. He was being all handsy so it was finally safe to be alone with him because we were going to get down in a way that didn't need words... until he whispered to me that we still needed to talk.

The night was still young so I convinced everyone to stay over at my place and play charades. Personally, I hated the game. But the not-talking part had its obvious appeal.

Bram was giving me every reason to believe the roller coaster ride was over and it was safe to unfasten my insecurity belt... but Nick's paranoia was contagious. With my reinforcements off the clock, I needed to keep up the game.

Bram may have sucked at charades, but it wasn't hard to pick up on his clues:

Reality show, four words. Bram. Wanted. To. Talk.

Leah also wanted to talk so we made our way to my bedroom where she laid down the law. She told me I was ruining the BFGFBFF by not talking to Bram because her take on the situation was that he was jealous of Cal. There was no doubt in her mind that Bram was feeling insecure because I told Cal about the HIV drama before I told him.

It was time to stop worrying about Bram hurting me because I was hurting Bram. Leah and Cal were the poster couple for talking it out, so I needed to give Bram a chance to open his mouth too... and hope that it would end up on mine.

I knew he had been wanting to have this talk all day, so I apologized for avoiding it. But I had a strong feeling that it was going to be the talk where he broke up with me, so I impulsively broke up with him first.

He laughed because he knew I wasn't being serious and told me he didn't want to have that talk. He was upset about the last few days. Last week I didn't want him to touch me and then today I was the one being all handsy.

I asked him if he was upset about me not telling him about the HIV scare and he said no. He was upset because I told Cal before I told him. And that we didn't have that thing I had with Cal. I didn't know what he meant by that. My friendship with Cal?

Bram wanted to be the guy I didn't have to sleep with to be connected to. The guy I could say anything to. Once again, I apologize for telling Cal first, but in my defense, he was just there and it came out in the middle of jello shots at the vigil. Bram said that was exactly his point.

Why was it not easy for me to talk to him like that? I had to be honest and tell him that I'm still always afraid the minute anything bad happens, he is going to run away. He asked me why I would think that and I reminded him how after we first had sex we never talked. We just hooked up and then when we did talk, it was only in private.

I thought he was embarrassed of me but he was quick to say that he never was.


	7. Let's Talk About Sex

Sept 26 - 9:08pm

There were certain things in my life I always wanted to keep to myself. For example, my secret for shiny hair, my ridiculous superstitions... and my box of condoms.

But leaving said box in the guest bath was probably not the best idea since my mom stumbled upon it. In that moment, my mom went through all five stages of grief for the loss of her only son's virginity: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

She pulled out her phone and looked up Bram's parents' number on the school directory. I guess she wanted to add one more stage: Broadcasting. I begged my mom to think before she acted. She said she was because if she were to act before she thought, Bram would be dead.

My mom wanted Bram's parents to know that their son was having sex. My dad agreed because they seem to think it's good parenting.

I didn't understand why they were making such big deal about this. Especially my mom since she was the one who bought me the box of condoms as a Christmas present. She knew what could happen! My dad agreed on how that gift was a confusing message.

My mom said the condoms were a preemptive strike to make sure that I was safe when the came... and how she hoped that was well into my 20s. It didn't make any sense, but I guess it only had to make sense to her since she was the parent.

Luckily, Bram's parents didn't answer the phone... but my mom still left them a voicemail.

My condom mishap reminded Leah that she needed to buy some of her own because she was eyeing the position of first lady of hump city. The only thing stopping her was Cal not saying "I love you." I was confused since they always said "je t'aime" to each other all the time. 

Leah said it wasn't the same thing because they were abroad and in a France-trance when they first said it. Cal only says it now because he already said it and can't take it back. It's stronger than an "I like you," but not quite an "I love you," which is as high as you can go love-wise according to her.

She started taking pre-sex selfies because she was convinced that people looked different after their first time. I disagreed but she pointed out how I looked different after my summer deflowering.

I called shenanigans but Leah continued her point by saying that she knew something changed and it wasn't my bangs because those have been the same since third grade. I just hoped that when she does have sex, her mom doesn't call his parents to announce it.

How was I going to warn Bram? Leah suggested to just blurt it out and then bolt. That was how she told her mom she broke her vibrator... she thought it was a neck massager.

Mr. Wise was so inspired by our essays that he came up with a whole new grading system. Letter grades could not suffice for Mr. Wise... because words like "cancerous," "nauseating," and "hopeless" sounded less mean to him that "piece of shit."

I was pleasantly surprised when I got my paper back with "illuminating" written on it. It was nice to have some recognition until Mr. Wise told me it was only illuminating because it opened his eyes to how bad my writing could be.

I was a terrible writer to him because I belong to "generation whatever" who only knows how to express themselves with abbreviations, misspellings, and emojis. He wanted me to dig deeper and to tell him something that's not easy so that my writing could make him feel something.

Eli Jennings was the only one to not get a harsh word as a grade. His essay was "promising." Being the kiss-ass that he was, he asked if it meant that Mr. Wise wanted him to promise never to put pen to paper again.

Mr. Wise said that it was promising because he wanted to read more about what Eli had to say. Apparently, he had a good way with words because Mr. Wise could imagine himself as Eli in the hotel room where his mother's friend was seducing him. He called it titillating.

Eli was so transparent. I didn't understand what the big deal was. So he slept with an older woman. Big whoop.

After class, I did what Leah instructed. I ran up to Bram and told him that my mom called his parents and told them we were having sex. Bram didn't worry about the voicemail because he could easily erase my mom's message from his phone and put the whole thing to bed, so to speak.

My mom was still reeling over my sexcapade. So much so that she took the liberty of printing out photos of genitalia with warts and lesions. She wanted me to be aware of what could happen now that Bram and I were engaging in sexual intercourse. I had gotten the message…

And so did Bram’s parents who showed up at my house to speak to my parents. Bram's parents made him apologize to my parents for taking my virginity. My dad told me to apologize too, but I didn't know what for so I apologize for letting Bram swipe my V-card.

Bram's parents appreciated the phone call. They said they weren't shocked because they had found condom wrappers. My mom was surprised to hear the plural of wrapper because to her it sounded like a lot of condoms. She asked Bram if he had had multiple partners.

Maybe some things were meant to go public because I was curious too. Bram said three and my mind started to wander… and it came back to earth when I started hearing the yelling. Bram's dad was upset because my mom was the one who bought me the condoms.

Bram's parents thought my parents were encouraging me to be promiscuous because to them nothing good can come from teenagers having sex. Bram interrupted to point out how I was the product of a teenage pregnancy. Bram's dad didn't care because he didn't condone risky behavior.

My parents were happy that I was comfortable enough to be honest with them about having sex... unfortunately, Bram couldn't do the same. Clearly, our families were different kinds of people. Bram's parents left angry telling mine to worry about their own family. Bram kept apologizing but my dad insisted none of this was his fault.

Later that night, my dad wanted to talk. He wanted to tell me that he'd been in my shoes. When he was my age, he had a similar conversation with my mom's parents. They were nice to him at first but everything changed when they found out my mom was pregnant.

They started yelling at him and called him horrible things. They said that he had ruined my mother's life... and then my mom threw up which only made it worse. My parents were glad that I was communicative with them because they weren’t afforded that luxury with their own parents.

It wasn't easy for me to write about something that hit a little closer to home for Mr. Wise's class. But I was finally ready to dig deeper. I decided to write about my parent's greatest humiliation - me.


	8. Indecent Exposure

Oct 3 - 8:29pm

For a week, Bram had been on my living room couch with full parental consent. He had run away from home because he did not agree with his parent's point of view in regards to his sex life. My parents were understanding and I was happy to be living in sin with constant easy access... for my mom.

While living under a microscope was not always ideal, I was willing to make the sacrifice to be up close and personal to the perfect specimen otherwise known as my boyfriend. He was massively hot, wise... and intrusive. But given our intimate proximity, we had grown close. One could argue too close for comfort.

Bram's "staycation" at my house had been exciting... until my lips started to crack from overuse. Their recovery required a little extra time in the bathroom, so I had to make sure I got there before he did or I would never get to use it.

It had been fun having Bram here and all, but I needed my space back... and my bathroom. I asked my mom if she could inquire on Bram's timetable for vacating the premises. She said we needed to be supportive because Bram was going through some tough stuff on the home front.

It had also been a week since Leah and Cal finally sealed the deal. She was ecstatic because Cal finally told her he loved her. To her, the "I love you" felt much better than the sex because she still felt the need to sit on ice due to the soreness.

Leah said Bram was never going to leave because he was getting the cow, the milk, and the barn for free. She also noticed a bit of weight gain on me because I was being forced to carbo load. We had been having pasta every night because it was Bram's favorite.

Leah asked if Bram knew how cramped I felt. I was trying to hide it from him, but how could Bram be so oblivious? I was so not cool with it.

We had been sharing everything like the bathroom and my deodorant. He even cleared my TiVo for ESPN. It's as if The Bachelorette was never real at all. And I was getting a lot of action. Nightly. Every night.

I was so sleep deprived that I had a hard time staying awake during Mr. Wise's class. Eli reading his essay out loud to the class wasn't helping since it was so boring. Mr. Wise could see me nodding off, so of course, he asked my opinion on Eli's paper.

From what I heard, I thought it was a little pretentious. Taking acid in the desert, quoting Hemingway, and writing about hallucinations made it cliche and obvious. Surprisingly, Mr. Wise agreed because he thought Eli was attempting to seem cool in his writing. He suggested humility because it is a very important part of the writing process.

After class, Eli followed me to my locker. He wanted to thank me for my candor in class. I thought he was trying to be an ass so I told him I didn't have patience for his sarcasm. He said he was being sincere because I was right about his story being pretentious. He appreciated my honesty because it was what he needed to hear. Eli was the last guy who I thought could handle the truth, but if he could, maybe Bram could too.

Once again, desperate times called for desperate measures. I had to get Ms. Albright's take on this situation because having a live-in boyfriend changed things. I wanted to be there for Bram during this hard time, but I didn't want him to be there with me.

Ms. Albright understood and knew that I needed the loving but I wanted to bring back the mystery. She said she was an expert at getting men to leave her pad, so she offered some suggestions like getting a cat. I wasn't about to get a pet, so she suggested baby talk during sex. I quickly rejected the idea because I wanted Bram to move out not move on.

I was relieved when I got home because Bram had soccer practice and my parents were still at work. I finally had some alone time... until Bram showed up because practice had been cancelled. I don't know what came over me but I had to tell him he was driving me crazy.

I love him, but I love myself too and I needed my space. And my bathroom. I kept it all bottled up and I just needed to let it out. Thankfully, Bram didn't take offense, but I still apologized. He understood where I was coming from so he offered to spend the night at Cal's house.

I objected because if he was comfortable here, he should stay as long as he liked. Somehow, Bram had made it comfortable to be uncomfortable. We had turned off the pressure, which meant it was time to turn on the fun and shift Bram's gears from housemate to lover.

Bram and I had gotten way too comfortable with each other and needed to shake things up. Because my parents were going to be out late, I asked Bram to pick his porn.

I hoped he wouldn't pick something like "Pool Persuasion" because "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Toy" seemed like the only one with a story. Bram laughed because he didn't think a porn video needed a story beyond "this goes into that, repeat until everyone makes a weird face." 

We didn't watch much of the wizard porn, but it was still unsettling. The guys on film were actually pretty handsome and probably could've been real actors. They were probably runaways so it was a disturbing thought. It's not like there are kids who run around saying, "When I grow up, I want to have sex with strange men on camera."

Bram said I was killing the moment, but he was being insensitive. I told him it's not like those guys had their boyfriends' homes to run off when things got tough… and once again my tongue had inadvertently hurt Bram.

Bram ran into the bathroom and I followed. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings, but it seemed like our comfort zone had finally gotten uncomfortable for both of us. I finally realized Bram didn't need a lover. He needed a mother and father.

My parents spoke with Bram and somehow gave him some good advice. He told me he was going back home to see if it worked. I wanted to know if we were okay and he assured me we were. So apparently we were back to normal and all it took was confining Bram's access to the back door... the actual back door.

It was the first time in days that I could relax. I was free to do anything I wanted in the privacy of my own room... within limits because my mom had yet to put the lock back on my door. My space was finally safe, but suddenly, it felt empty.


	9. "That Guy" Strikes Again

Oct 31 - 6:36pm

It was Halloween. That special time of year where students everywhere honor the dead by dressing as... skimpy versions of anything and everything.

Maybe the holiday wasn't ridiculous for everyone. Maybe for some, it was the one day to dress as the best version of themselves. If that was the case, the best version of myself was just as boring as the regular version.

But honestly, I'd rather be boring that some poser looking to show some skin. Unless that poser was my boyfriend, who always looked good showing some skin. He dressed up as a lifeguard and I was kinda surprised because I didn't know he was serious about dressing up.

Bram rubbed some sunblock on my nose, gave me his whistle, and closed my hoodie to give the allusion of me dressing up as a cold-weather lifeguard. Sure, my costume was a little lame, but it really didn't matter what I was wearing. As Bram left for class, I overheard some girls talking about us.

They said I was boring and how they didn't know what Bram saw in me. He was a six-pack and I was the clearance rack. I told them I could hear them, but all that did was escalate the situation. They told me "you can take the boy out of the cast, but you can't take the outcast out of the boy."

In Mr. Wise’s class, Martin told me he loved my costume. I corrected him because I really wasn't wearing one but he concurred because to him I was the best loser he'd seen all morning. Apparently, monsters like Martin went as themselves for Halloween.

Martin asked Eli if he had any big plans for Halloween. Eli said his girlfriend was throwing a party and his friends from his old school, Hebron, were going to be in attendance, but he’s not much of a party guy.

Of course Eli hates parties. He was above it all. Surprise, surprise.

Martin seemed to know someone at Hebron who turned out to be Eli's girlfriend, Allisson. They knew each other because of some horseback riding competition years ago. Apparently, Allisson stole Martin's trophy because she had no business even being there.

Martin told Eli that he must be excited that Allisson was on the cusp of libra and scorpio because we all know that no one is DTF like a scorpio. Since the riding league calendar started in September, Allisson should've been in a different age group than Martin. As riveting as it sounded, I kinda agreed with him.

Ms. Albright was acting weirder than usual. She was in disguise because she believes that authority figures were always attacked on Halloween. She had been egged in the face every year since becoming a guidance counselor. She decided to blend in for the day and not draw any attention to herself by dressing up as a totally average, everyday, run-of-the-mill student.

That reminded me about the comment those girls made this morning about me. I asked Ms. Albright if she thought I was too boring and plain. She told me not to worry because she had a feeling she wouldn't make the cut for the "Hot List" this year either.

And she was right. Although, I did make the "Not List" for dressing as myself on Halloween. I was beginning to sense a theme to the Halloween festivities: Simon Spier wasn't in the same category as Bram Greenfeld.

Cal saw me looking upset and asked what was wrong. I told him that I was realizing how I wasn't good enough for Bram. He's hot and I'm not and everyone knows it. I couldn't handle going to Ethan’s Halloween party tonight.

I asked Cal to not tell anyone I was crying about this, but of course, he told Leah. Leah says that the basics of a happy relationship all boils down to one simple rule: SHARE.

S is for sexual chemistry and as teenagers that takes care of itself. H is for heart that you have to keep open. A is for aroma as in keeping ourselves clean. R is for remote control because you don't always have to win that fight. And E is for excitement meaning keeping each other on our toes. Never knowing what's around the corner, but taking it all in stride.

Leah advised me to put my hater shades on and black out everyone's vibes because their words meant nothing. Who cares about being on some rando’s “hot list” ... Cal and Leah did since they were on it for dressing up as "sugar and spice" even though the list refers to them as "salt and pepper."

Bram asked us what time we wanted to head over to Ethan’s Halloween party during lunch. I made it clear that I was not really feeling in the mood for it. While trying to cover for me, Cal suggested hanging out at his house instead. I seconded staying in for the night because the party was not really my scene since I'd probably just end up hiding in the car all night. Bram was a bit upset because he didn't want to sit at home and be lame for Halloween.

Lame. There it was again. And this time it wasn't coming from some rando. It was coming from Bram. I had to do something to put the "E" back in my SHARE. I suggested bailing on Ethan’s Halloween party and crashing a cooler one instead.


	10. Halloween Soirée

Nov 1 - 3:26am

Martin decided to tag along in order to confront Allisson in person about the houseriding trophy. I advised everyone not to wear a costume, but Leah said Halloween without costumes felt bizarre. The only issue was finding a way to crash the party. Bram wanted to get in through a window while Cal wanted to go around back. Martin decided to just knock and sure enough we were in.

Hebron kids apparently weren't into red cups and random hookups. They were into elaborate costumes with headpieces and drinking champagne from fancy stemware. We were underdressed and out of out leagues.

This was a mistake and we needed to bail, but before we were able to make our great escape, someone with a bird mask blocked the exit. Birdman wanted to know who we were and I lied by saying we were friends of Allisson's boyfriend.

Birdman knew Eli and called him a douche. I laughed a bit to hard at that and Birdman asked if I thought Eli was a douche too. I didn't say it exactly, but I kinda did. Then, someone started calling Birdman "Eli" and I realized I had just called him a douche to his face.

I was so mortified I must've apologized like twenty times. Eli was nice enough to say that I was forgiven by the second sorry. While I appreciated the gesture, I still needed a drink to take off the edge of my social ineptitude.

Allisson's house was grand and full of art. I especially liked the photography and Eli told me that the photographs were by an emerging artist garnering lots of attention right now. Bram was into it too calling them cool, subtle, and sexy. Eli agreed and told Bram he had a good eye. Once again, Bram was in and I was out.

Eli introduced us to Allisson and she immediately recognized me because of my blog. It still feels weird when people know me for being a blogger. She suggested I check out other bloggers like Ryan O'Connell from Thought Catalog because she was obsessed with him.

A game of Confession was about to start up and Allisson invited us to join. It was kinda like Dirty Little Secret but a bit more dramatic with the whole "Bless me, father, for I have sinned" part. Confessions ranged from nose jobs to sex and Bram was all in by confessing that he felt up his grandparents' special needs neighbor when he was eleven. Everyone guessed it was true and because it was Bram had to take a drink.

When it was my turn to confess, I didn't know what I could say that would make me sound interesting. Being the result of a teenage pregnancy and having an extensive hoodie collection seemed like boring confessions for this audience. There was nothing on the tip of my tongue but stress from my lack of ability to impress.

Allisson said I was allowed to pass, but I didn't want to, so I confessed how I was the guy who tried to kill himself. Everyone stared and stayed silent for a while. Eli broke the silence by asked me to repeat myself because she couldn't believe what he just heard. Everyone in the circle thought it was false, but because it was half-true, they all had to drink up.

Eli wanted to know more of the story and because he wasn't a student at Creekwood when all of this happened I happily obliged. It was a bit more complicated than what my confession made it seem.

The entire group seemed to laugh with me and not at me when I was my retelling them about my junior year. Allisson asked why I hadn't written about my accident for the Creative Writing class and I jokingly replied that her boyfriend had the market cornered on dark stuff.

Eli didn't know what I meant by that as if he didn't know he was such a drama king. I told Allison and her friends how Eli thinks he's totally misunderstood, a work in progress, and just thinking about drowning in the nothingness of life. They all agreed with me and laughed.

I didn't notice when Bram had left the group, but when Allisson suggested hitting up the dance floor, I followed the crowd. It was weird. My suicide story, which made me a freak at my high school, apparently made me a hero in theirs. I finally fit in somewhere... even without a costume.

The sound of glass shattering stopped the music because as expected, my fitting in would be immediately followed by getting kicked out. Thanks to Cal, who had an entirely different interpretation of crashing a party by crashing into a glass table.

As the party cleared out, I stayed to help clean up the mess. Allisson said I didn't have to but I definitely did since I was the one who brought the mess makers... who had seemingly disappeared along with my boyfriend.

Allisson was shocked to find out Bram was my boyfriend and I braced myself because I knew she was about to say something to the effect of "how did a guy like you end up with a guy like him?" She said not to take it the wrong way but... she asked if I wasn't bored with him. I didn't know what she meant by that, so she apologized hoping she didn't offend. She told me that she thought we were an odd couple because he seemed a little out of MY league.

Was it possible that in an alternative universe Simon Spier was cooler than Bram Greenfeld?

I thought Bram had left me stranded, but I was happy to see he was only waiting outside in his car. I asked him why he left and he only said that he wasn't really feeling the party or the Hebron crowd. He didn't want to be a buzzkill so he let me enjoy myself while he waited outside. I asked he wanted to go to Ethan's party and he he said yes, but I still didn't feel like dealing with the Creekwood crowd.

The whole day I kept wondering why Bram liked me. So I finally asked him what he saw in me. He was surprised by the question but he answered by saying that I'm the best person he knows and that every moment he spent with me, he became better.

Consequently, he asked me what I liked about him. At that moment, all I could think about were his abs, his teeth, his abs, his hair, and his abs. But I told him I liked the same thing about him... maybe I was just as superficial as everyone else?

So what if some people thought I was lame or Bram was boring. Beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And what I was beholding was pretty freaking awesome.


	11. Guilt Tripping

Nov 3 - 5:47pm

Once again, Homecoming pinning was in process. It was an ancient Creekwood High tradition that was otherwise known as Bloody Thursday because, while it was an honor to get stuck, no one knew their way around a pin. Was it weird that I was worried I might not get one?

Ethan laughed at the thought and told me to loosen up because Bram was not going to leave me lacking. As outdated as the tradition was, there was something about being outed by your dare that was sweet.

But in my excitement to be a "have," I'd forgotten about those who were still "have-nots," like Kenan Reynolds and Vanessa Bellinger and Chris Garcia. I knew what it was like to be bare-chested.

Maybe my “BRAM’S MAN” pin didn't need to be a ticket for the guilt train. Maybe it could just remind me that I was lucky I had a boyfriend. Besides, it wasn't like I was gonna rub it in anyone's face... or maybe I would inadvertently?

Leah was glad that she, Nick, and I were finally a part of this bizarro ritual. Taylor was a pro at the pin stick, so a little blood could;ve gone a long way to jazz up Nick's pin.

I asked my friends if they had any survivor's guilt because it felt obnoxious to flaunt out good fortune. I suggested we take them off, but Leah objected and said I needed to pop a chillax-ative because the pins were not gonna make anyone’s spiral go viral.

I didn't get the point of all this because we were just gonna spend hours getting ready only to sweat through our clothes and sitting down for most of the night… especially me since Bram doesn’t even dance.

Chris Garcia was a prime example. We were BFFs in the second grade, and yes, I stopped being friends with him when he started eating chalk, but I could just as easily been him, having a no-date meltdown today. Nick wanted me to rein in the obsessing-stressing because Chris seemed fine... maybe Bram used toxic paint on my pin and it was messing with my head? 

During lunch, Bram said I didn't have to wear the pin and when I asked why, he said it was kinda obnoxious. Obnoxious. That was my word, but I hadn't shared it with Bram which meant Leah probably told him what I said about the pin.

She confessed to only telling Cal because they tell each other everything, but her sharing is getting back to my relationship so I asked her to please stop talking to Cal about Bram and me.

Out of the corner of my eye, I thought Chris was about to get to second base with a pin. If that happened, maybe then I'd be able to tuck my guilt to sleep. But the action was all in my head.

Chris wasn't getting pinned, which was making him too depressed to eat... and causing him to old-school blog out his feelings by journaling... and share his sob story with Ms. Albright. Unfortunately, my guilt trip wasn't going anywhere.

I needed to talk to Ms. Albright about Chris. She thought it was sweet of me to take an interest in the "bottom feeders of the social aquarium," but she couldn't discuss other students' problems. I understood that but I was really worried about him, so Ms. Albright compromised and spoke to me about Chris in code.

Pin day was her busiest day of the year with a trail of tears to and from her office. Apparently, Chris was in a dark place just careening down the rabbit hole. She said Chris reminded her a lot of who I could've been had our paths never crossed. Ms. Albright's advice to Chris was to avoid the dance. It wasn't revolutionary advice considering Chris didn't have a date. She had a point and I suddenly had a plan.

I told Bram I couldn't wear the pin. It's not that I didn't love that he made it for me. I mean, I was really impressed with his craftsmanship cuz pipe cleaners are tricky... but I couldn't support a tradition that made other people feel bad about themselves. I don't think anyone should have to feel less than.

Bram was okay with me not wearing the pin, but he still wanted me to keep it. Even with the pin off my shirt, my chest was still heavy. Maybe if I really wanted to stand up to this tradition, I needed to sit it out. So I told Bram it wasn't just about the pin that was bothering me because I also didn't want to go to the dance.

At home, my dad wanted to see my pin. He liked how crafty it was thought Bram and I had broken up because I wasn’t wearing it. I had to let her know that I didn't want to be a part of something that made people without dates feel bad. I didn't want to single out the singles because I had been there and it sucked. Someone needed to take a stand because people were hurting.

My dad disagreed because he pointed out how I was hurting someone I love to avoid hurting people I barely know who will be sitting at home and will never know I went to the dance anyway. He called me crazy and selfish because protesting the dance was not going to help anyone and it only hurt Bram because it was his night too.

Before I knew it, my dad asked Siri to call Bram and I had to think fast. I apologized about my freaking out at school and asked him if he wanted to go to the dance. He asked if I wanted to go, so I said only if he wanted. Bram thought it could be fun, but he didn't want to make me go and I didn't want to make him not go... so in the end we decided to go.


	12. Tropic Like It's Hot

Nov 4 - 12:53am

Cal and Bram asked Leah and I to drive ourselves to the tropical themed dance before them for a surprise. They wouldn't say what it was, but it couldn't have been as surprising as Chris showing up to the dance.

I wondered if he got a date and Leah had no clue because until yesterday she hadn't heard of him, so her intel on his dating life was zero. If Chris wasn't a sad single, I could flip off my guilt switch and finally relax.

I would never go to a dance alone hence my no-show status freshman and sophomore year. I hadn't seen Chris with anyone all night and Leah was getting annoyed by my constant patrol. I decided to do a drive-by and see the situation from up-close... and I was right.

Chris didn't have a date. He wasn't having fun. His night was about... to get awesome when Bridgit Johnson was going to ask him to dance. They'd bump, grind, fall in love, and live happily... never after. I was still living in the house that guilt built, and there was only one way to tear it down.

As Chris was leaving the dance, I ran up to him and told him how I thought these dances were lame. He looked confused but I continued by confessing how I'd been where he was. I knew that these dumb school traditions make it really easy for you to feel unloveable. Not that I was saying he was, but I had a feeling he was going to the bathroom to cry, so I reminded him that it gets better.

He didn't know what I was talking about, so I told him how I had seen him depressed at school this week. Chris appreciated the concern but said he wasn't at the dance for the memories. He was making a transaction and offered me a free sample of his pills to take the edge off. I respectfully declined because suddenly I was high without the drugs. Chris wasn't sad or lonely or a have-not.

Leah texted saying that Bram was looking for me to dance. She admitted to telling Bram that I was upset he didn't dance, but I wasn't mad. Bram was dancing, thanks to Cal’s training, and he wasn't the only one. I didn't have to feel sorry for anyone except for myself because I wasn't on the dance floor.

I didn't get to see all his moves because I couldn't get past his posse. Thankfully, he showed them off to me in the parking lot after the dance.


	13. Trust?!

Nov 8 - 5:25pm

It was a magical day. A day of record. Bram and I had hit the six-month mark of coupledom, and as such, I was reflecting on how far we'd come. There was an evolution to relationships, and by all accounts, we were each other's missing link.

For the first time in a long time, I had a sense of peace about the state of the union. Our honeymoon chapter had closed, so gone were the days of copious public displays of affection and uncensored baby-talk. I definitely didn't miss those days because Bram and I were fully evolved, so much so, that we had even bypassed the era of being jealous.

Leah wondered if I was as jealous as she was of the fans our boyfriends had during soccer practice. I knew they were harmless, but she thought they were fifty shades of cray waiting for us to slip up so they could take our BFs.

I wasn't worried because I could share the glory of my boyfriend. Bram and I were beyond the plateau of pettiness and lived on the highest branch of the trust tree. We were secure and could handle anything thrown at us... even if it was a fan throwing themselves all over my boyfriend.

Bram apologized but he didn't have to because it wasn't like he mauled his fan. Clearly, I had good taste and the fan club only validated that fact.

When Cal joked about him also having fans, Leah almost lost it. She said would mark her territory the old-fashion way... with pee, like a dog. She asked me how I was so cool with my boyfriend being mobbed and manhandled. I simply told her that trust Bram, so I have nothing to worry about.

But according to Mr Wise, none of us in his class trusted ourselves. He hadn't liked anything we've written so far, so he was open to suggestions on the next assignment. To him, this moment in time is the pre-ejaculation of our lives. If we couldn't get inspired now, then we were hopeless. 

Mr. Wise offered to eradicate half our grade and the whole class got excited, but I knew he was being underhanded and I was far too savvy to take the bait. Martin made a comment about me playing it safe and Mr. Wise agreed by suggesting I become a textbook writer since that was safe and conventional.

Even though I had written plenty of personal and unexpected material, he made a bet that I would never read something out loud that exposed my vulnerability. I took on the challenge thinking it would only be reading out loud to the class... but he tricked me into open mic night and if I didn't show up half my grade would be a zero. 

He is a lunatic, sadistic, cunning, and a brilliant sociopath. While Mr. Wise didn't beat me physically, he did leave me feeling emotionally scarred. He basically called me a pussy in class to which Ms. Albright agreed. She was a regular at open mic night, so she knew how tough that crowd was and suggested I read her favorite blog entry of mine: July 22.

It's gonna suck and I'm gonna tank. Bram offered to catch me if I fall, but I didn't want him or Leah or anyone to come. I had to shut all of them out because I was nervous and insecure... and Bram and I didn't need to do everything together.

In an attempt to cover his codependency, Bram started posturing when he told me of his "brobecue" with Cal. It was cute, but this freaking assignment wasn't. I still had no idea what I was going to read.

Leah suggested something topical and safe like "Are You There God? It's Me, Simon." Safe was exactly how Mr. Wise expected me to play it, so I had to go emotionally bare… and Ms. Albright was right because nothing was as bare as “Rubbed Raw and Reeling.”


	14. Bean There Done That

Nov 9 - 12:36am

I was petrified walking into the Bean There Done That café... and yet, I wasn't sure what the reason really was. I didn't know anyone in the crowd and no one was going to know me. I was anonymous, invisible... and totally exposed to Ms. Albright and my parents who still showed up even though I repeatedly asked them not to.

Everyone I didn't wanna see was in the crowd, so I wanted to see the one person who wasn't, Bram. If I was going to be a sinking ship, I needed someone to float me a lifeline. Unfortunately, his phone went straight to voicemail, so I was on my own.

Ms. Albright could see me worrying, so she offered to warm up the crowd by going first. She went by “Bad Mama Jama” and for fifteen minutes she took the audience on a ride into her subconscious full of "crazy, sexy, cool" TLC references.

I couldn't face a hostile crowd and I couldn’t retell the story of how I lost my virginity with my parents in the audience. But there was no way out because fifty percent of my grade was on the line, so I had to go on stage when my name was called. As I began reading, I heard a familiar voice make a comment about the title of my essay. Martin just had to show up to show immoral support.

It was weird reciting an old blog post to a crowd of strangers. When I wrote about my summer camp deflowering, I was feeling crappy about Bram wanting to keep things private, but in retrospect I could laugh along with the audience because it felt so far away from my current reality.

After my little show and tell, I was approached by another blogger who wanted me to contribute to her site. I didn't know what to say because I still didn't feel like an actual writer, but I thanked her for the offer. Mr. Wise gave me the slow clap for not torturing him and said that putting my feet into the flame did me wonders. It was a weird compliment but it appeared that my relationship with Mr. Wise was evolving.

I was surprised to see Eli at the café and since Bram hadn't responded to my voicemail I decided to hangout with him. He said he wanted to check out the competition and see what kind of hell was in store if he were to be Mr. Wise's next victim. I asked him what he thought of my story and he answered by calling me classic like Jane Austen: funny with heart.

In the middle of our conversation, his girlfriend called. Allisson was mad at him for not going out with her and her friends, so she was telling him what he was missing out on. He wasn't jealous and said how that might be a bit of a problem. I didn't think it was because lack of jealousy just means you're evolved and that there's trust in the relationship.

But as we talked something was happening and I couldn't explain it. Eli had grabbed my arm and I didn’t know why it was there for so long. These new feelings towards him were coming fast and swift and out of the blue. I was feeling a swirling deep in my gut that was exposing my rut. Suddenly, I was jealous of Allisson because I was looking at her boyfriend as if he was my own.

When I got home, my dad was still awake and congratulated me on being brave by sharing that blog post. He wished it wasn't that story in particular though because my mom couldn't handle it. He asked about Eli and wondered why he was the only one, besides Martin, from my class to show up at the café. I made it clear that we were just friends especially since he had a girlfriend. For some reason, my dad felt the need to remind me that I was also in a relationship.

Later that night, Bram knocked on my window. I was still awake, but I didn't feel like answering because I was still processing the whole Eli situation...

In the course of a relationship, if things didn't evolve, they threaten to go extinct. Because evolution was about revolution and maybe my lack of jealousy towards Bram's admirers meant something... maybe I was revolting?


	15. Reality Check

Nov 13 - 10:50pm

I didn't know if Bram's cheese-nasty playlist was throwing me off or the paralyzing guilt I felt from hitting the ignore button when he knocked at my window the night before, but either way, I was phoning it into my own booty call.

I was distracted by something and that something had a name: Eli Jennings, who I hadn't stopped thinking about since we bonded over lemon bars at my epic outing, but with my man in my bed, I needed to get Eli out of my head.

I had successfully faked sleep to Bram, but would I be able to pull off faking sex? In my naked and vulnerable state, my fantasy had rudely creeped in and made my reality its bitch.

I couldn't get into the sex until freaking Eli popped into my head and not on purpose because I was trying to focus on Bram... so I decided to think about something boring like baseball but then Eli showed up in an Atlanta Braves uniform.

Leah called me "dramastic" because everyone has fantasies. There was no way her thought-bubble was filled with anyone but Cal Price, but she disagreed. Her two bath buddies were her shower massager and Niall from One Direction.

According to Leah, I had nothing to worry about because having fantasies is totes normal and the key to maintaining a healthy relationship. But if fantasies are totally normal, why lie about them? Leah seems to think boys are too sensitive to handle the truth. Her daydreaming about slip-sliding naked across Niall's chest didn't mean she loved Cal any less. If her relationship wasn't threatened by mental dalliances, maybe my relationship was safe from mine.

But I still wasn't safe in Mr. Wise's class. I had inspired the next assignment with my loss of innocence story because we were to write about Firsts. Even though I had already written about my first time, Mr. Wise told me to write the fantasy of how I wished my first time would be. With my current Eli dilemma, it was not going to be a problem.

Bram eventually figured out I didn't want him at my Bean There Done That reading because I read a super personal story about both of us. I thought he had already read it on my blog when I made it public last year, but he confessed to not reading it. When I asked him if he wanted to read it, he said he didn't need to because we shared that memory.

I had no right to be offended that he hadn't read my blog, but I was. While Bram had never shown any interest in my writing, Eli - a virtual stranger - had gone out of his way to hear the unplugged version.

My muse was dead or at least she was taking the night off cuz I could not start my assignment. While the real version of my first time with Bram had almost written itself, the fantasy version was playing hard to get.

"There were a lot of things I wanted to forget about my 16th year on the planet, but my summer at camp wasn't one of them. The first time I was alone with Bram Greenfeld, a God among men, he took my breath away. He removed his shirt, but it wasn’t Bram. It was Eli."

Eli had not only infiltrated my sex life... he was making guest appearances in my literary one as well. But there was no way that dude was gonna play my muse when I had a perfectly hot boyfriend to get the job done.

So why wasn't he holding up his end of the bargain? I had spent every minute of that summer daydreaming about Bram but now I couldn't conjure up a single freaking fantasy?! There was only one surefire way to combat writer's block: ignoring it and trusting that daylight was going to bring inspiration.


	16. Musing

Nov 14 - 11:18am

Bram wondered why I was in the library still writing my paper. Still writing would’ve implied that I had started because I've been staring at a blank page for two days. He wanted me to take a break but I couldn't until I started the damn essay.

As he left, Eli sat next to me and offered some tips. He said to take what I wrote and make it sexy, but for me it wasn’t that easy because I could only remember the real thing. That image was stuck in my head.

Eli told me to close my eyes and to think back to what it was like before Bram kissed me or the first time he touched me... before I knew anything about him. How I memorized his smile, the color of his eyes, how he always smelled of summer, and how I felt when he finally looked at me.

But nothing could compare to the first time he touched me. It was like we were the only two people on earth and I couldn't stand the thought of ever being away from him again.

And thanks to Eli finally got my muse...

"The espresso machine whirred under his voice making it hard to hear what he was saying. But the words didn't matter, because they were meant for me..."


	17. Just a Crush

Nov 15 - 10:42pm

Bram said he wasn't interested in reading the new version of our first time, so why did I have this overwhelming urge to confess? And what would I confess? I had a one-night stand with the page?

Everything was status quo. My paper was done, and so was my literary obsession. Some writers had to drink or do drugs to get the juices flowing, but I got inspiration from another source.

As Mr. Wise was passing back our essays, I heard him reading part of mine: "When I carelessly covered my lips, burned raw from the scalding tea, he reached into his iced mocha and fished out a few pathetic cubes, but it wasn't the ice he used to numb my pain. It was his kiss."

It was my turn to get called out because Mr. Wise had a built-in bullshit detector and he knew it wasn't a redo of the original. He knew I was supposed to write the fantasy but to him my new version felt real because of the chemistry between the two characters was palpable. I could see Eli smiling from the corner of my eye because of that comment.

I was convinced my Eli obsession wasn't a threat to my relationship, but if it felt real on paper, maybe it was real off of it? I wanted to disappear because I’m sure Eli knew that my paper was about him and our outing at open mic night.

I had taken all the blame for the sexy movies in my head, but it turns out my fantasies weren't just one-sided. Eli was egging it on like when he made me make a wish on an eyelash he picked off my cheek. He was the one who had opened up Pandora's box, not me! I had no idea who Pandora was, but her box needed to stay closed so nobody else's box would open.

As the bell rang, Martin asked me what I wished for. I didn't know what he was talking about, but he was talking about my story that obviously took place at Been There Done That. He knew that the paper wasn't about my first time with Bram but instead what I wanted my first time with Eli to be. I argued that it was fiction and that it didn't mean anything, but he didn't care because he knew the truth.

I confided in Leah that I was worried this Eli thing might be more than just a fantasy. I think I might have actual feelings for him. Leah quickly covered my mouth and told me to not put those thought out into the universe because the last time she did something like that Garrett ended up dead.

I don’t want to act on these feelings because I have everything I ever wanted, so why was I trying to sabotage it? Leah says a fantasy is just a fantasy and that I needed to end my flirtationship with Eli YASAP: yesterday as soon as possible.

My relationship is like a house of cards. I shouldn't open the door for a breeze. Eli was the one squeezing my arm and pulling eyelashes off my face, so I had to talk to him and make him stop. I needed to give his crush a serious beat-down.

Which turned out to be much easier than I thought because I realized it was all in my head when I saw Eli and his girlfriend making out in the school parking lot. Eli was still with Allisson and while guilt had been the frontrunner of my emotions, it was forced to take a backseat to rejection. With anger in hot pursuit. I was mad at myself for feeling rejected, which brought me right back to guilt for having those feelings in the first place.

My mom found my crumpled up paper in the trash and asked why it was there. She also wondered why I was in bed by 7pm. All I could say was that I was tired, but my dad walked in and called a family meeting. I wasn't in the mood, but they went on without me.

Mom was proud of me because I got an A on my paper and Dad called it awesome. I had to disagree because that paper was disgusting and despicable and it almost ruined my life. My parents looked confused so I explained how the paper was supposed to be about Bram, but it ended up being about someone else.

Dad immediately knew it was about Eli and my mom ask him who that was. He simply stated that it was a boy I was crushing on and told me that there is no crime in having a crush while in a relationship. Mom agreed because she believes the fantasy is what helps sustain the reality. They started talking about their celebrity sandwiches: the top two famous people they'd like to be in the middle of. 

Apart from the trauma of being exposed to my parents' make-out sesh and celebrity subs, I had to admit, I felt relieved. And normal. Even with old married couples, having fantasies was a given.


	18. Come Clean

Nov 16 - 9:57pm

I had exonerated myself and cleared my name of any crimes of mental passion. But it didn't mean Martin would. He told Bram that he needed to read my erotic friendfiction. I didn't want to have to look over my shoulder every time Martin threatened me with telling Bram about my paper, so I decided to have Bram read it for himself.

I felt relieved... for about 30 minutes. It had been three hours since I gave Bram my paper. Sure, he was a slow reader, but not that slow. It was fine. There were no names, no specifics, and no way anyone could figure out it was about Eli. Bram would never know…

Until he called me and told me to meet him as his house. He knew.

When he opened the door, I started apologizing because I knew my essay was unsetting, but I kept pointing out how it was not real. Bram interrupted me and said he thought my story was hot. He knew it didn't really happen that way, so he recreated the café scene in his living room.

It didn't matter that my story was about someone else because my fantasy had jumped off the page. Bram Greenfeld was the real deal. And finally, I could get back to my basics... and only imagine him.


	19. After Mall Ball

Nov 21 - 7:15pm

With delusions of desire for Eli put to bed (in the bed of my head), I was free and clear to let my conscience take a rest.

Eli has a girlfriend. I have a boyfriend. We can just go about our business as casual classmates… if only Eli stopped sending me little notes in class!

Apparently his flirtation was not laid to rest, and I had to redefine appropriate boundaries. What Eli needed was a subtle hint... or a strong suggestion. I threw the note back at Eli as the bell rang and I walked out of class.

He followed and insisted on me reading the note. I told him I couldn't take it because I knew what he was doing and it was not appropriate. Eli didn't say anything and just stared at me, so I needed to spell it out for him. 

I had to make it clear that he needed to stop with the sexy notes, the eyelashes, the whispers, and the touches. There's obviously some chemistry between us, but I am in a relationship, and so is he.

Eli laughed and handed me the note. He opened it up to show me that it was an invitation to an open house for the photographer I liked at his Halloween party. The event is on Black Friday and he really wants me to be there and show his parents he actually made new friends.

I felt like an idiot for thinking the note was something flirty, but at least I had something to look forward to during the Thanksgiving holiday. I RSVP'd Bram and I but when I told him the news he seemed hesitant.

He wanted to go to Creekwood's annual Black Friday Party instead, so he insisted on me going alone. There were a million reasons why I didn't want to go alone, but I bargained with Bram and we decided to go early to Eli's and show up fashionably late to the BFP.

Leah was on her phone all throughout lunch but by end of day she was ready to flip. She sent out a mass text to the entire school inviting them to the After Mall Ball.

Apparently, Leah rebranded the party because the Black Friday Party or BFP was getting confused with the Black Hearts Party or BHP. Leah was so excited to get anointed into the cool kid scene that I didn't bother on telling her that I really didn't want to go to her party… but I did want to go to Eli’s.


	20. Redefining Simon

Nov 24 - 3:25am

Thanksgiving was over, and I was still stuffed with gratitude. My appetite for food and my boyfriend had returned, and suddenly my Friday didn't seem so black.

My parents braved the elements to go Black Friday shopping and I was happy they did because I needed something fancy-ish to wear to the open house. I wanted to make a statement.

When Bram and I arrived at Eli's neighborhood, Leah called me asking if we could pick up some ice for the AMB. Bram also received a text from Cal with the same request. Because of this, Bram suggested we take a quick loop and hit the road in 30 minutes.

We couldn't just stay for 30 minutes because that would be rude. And I felt the need to correct Bram on the fact that we were going to look at photographs not pictures. Bram didn't understand the difference so he suggested I go in alone and he would pick me up later.

I don't know why I was being so bitchy, but I went off on Bram. He was being an asshole because he was afraid of sounding stupid and embarrassing himself like he did at Eli's Halloween party. I told him that I never embarrassed him, but he said that wasn’t true.

Bram thought my "suicide attempt" last year was because of him due to the fact that it happened on the same day we slept together at camp. During that time, I thought Bram didn't want to be seen with me but in reality he told me he was mortified. He always told me how he was never embarrassed of me... and he lied.

And suddenly, I was dead inside.

Bram tried to apologize by saying he didn't mean to lie to me and how he was embarrassed of how insecure he felt. He never wanted me to know and kept repeating how I knew the real him. But did I? My own feelings on the matter were missing in action.

Bram said he was making amends for how we started and I couldn’t help but feel like he was putting all the blame on me. He explained how he was the one who made it a point to focus on me and make me feel secure and significant. Consequently, I was the one who made him feel insignificant.

He pointed out how I hadn't asked about his current status with his parents ever since he moved back with them after his brief stay at my place. I assumed he didn't want to talk about it or he'd bring it up, but that was the problem. I was being selfish, so I told Bram he could go to the AMB and I would catch a ride from Eli and Allisson.

As I walked around the house, I realized Bram was right. A 20-minute lap would have sufficed. I had no one to talk to, and Eli was nowhere in sight. When I did find him, he seemed a bit drunk and happy that I didn't ditch him like his girlfriend did.

The photographs were amazing and as I was browsing a camera flashed in front of me. An improvised installation was taking place, so I didn't mind the rogue photo. When I finally found myself on the wall of pictures, I couldn't recognize myself and I couldn't believe the photographer put it all together in one night.

Eli said that the photographer had a talent for redefining people through her lens and I wished it was that easy. I told him I wanted to redefine myself so that I could be less of an embarrassment to myself and others... like when I misread his intentions and the sexual tension between us that clearly didn't exist.

But Eli responded by saying it did exist. I didn't know how to respond when he admitted that it was part of the reason why he had broken up with Allisson. Eli said he had realized he wanted to be with someone more like me and at that moment I felt the need to leave. It felt like a bit of an imposition to ask Eli for a ride after he had confessed his feelings for me but I had no other choice.

When we arrived at the AMB, I thanked him for the ride and tried to cut the tension between us by saying how I felt bad about his breakup. Then he asked me my opinion on love: was the hunt better than the kill? I didn't know how to answer that because Bram and I had sex before we knew each other... so the kill came before the hunt in our case.

Eli kept asking if I was sure I wanted to go to the AMB and I was honest with him when I told him no. But if I didn't go then I would be selfish and that was something I needed to work on. Eli made me realize how ridiculous that sounded because, to him, now's the time to be selfish because we have no pressure and no real responsibilities.

He told me to put myself first and redefine myself through my own lens. It was a new concept... and scary, yet exciting.

So I did... by kissing Eli.


	21. Dilly Dall-iance

Nov 26 - 9:21pm

It had been thirty-one hours, minus the two I could sleep, of significant self-loathing. I had cheated on my boyfriend… and with time travel off the table to undo the dirty deed, I had to take control and ensure it would never happen again.

When I saw Eli get out of his car in the school parking lot, I ran up to him and told him to get in. He did as I asked and I told him what was up.

What happened last Friday was wrong. He agreed.

I love Bram. He knew.

And it is not right to hurt the people you love. He couldn’t agree more.

So it was done! But just to clarify, the “it” meant “we“ were done… until we weren’t.

He said we he’d see me in class and as I said bye, we kissed again. Eli said it was a parting kiss and I excused it as a seal of closure. I tried to call truce, but Eli held my hand a bit too long and we ended up full on making out again.

And then someone was knocking on the car window, no, POUNDING on the car window. Leah looked pissed.

I couldn’t believe she saw that and she couldn’t believe I did that. It was Bonky Kong.

My Eli dalliance was supposed to be a one-time special event like if Leah saw five erections from One Direction in her direction.

I had said that I was just living in the moment and that the kiss meant nothing, and it didn’t, but Leah didn’t know why I did it again. I didn’t know what to tell her.

Leah says once is an accident and twice is an affair. I told her I tried to end it, but she didn’t understand how I could do that by shoving my face into his. 

Things have gotten out of control and Leah pointed out that I have two choices: either end it with Eli to tell Bram. I’ve tried the first one and that’s not working and the second option is never gonna happen, so Leah proposed option three: Her telling Bram because she can’t keep a secret.

If I didn’t choose option A or B soon, option C might not be an option but rather a foregone conclusion. Leah holding on to a secret this big runs the risk of secret leakage. Little secrets will start springing up and down in her attempt to hold down the big one. If I don’t fix this, she might explode and there is no telling how many lives she might ruin.

During the school day, I was lost in thought. I had to tell Bram, but what would I say? Nothing. Which meant I had to avoid him until I got back from my guilt trip.

And that was hard to do when Bran caught me at my locker. He said we needed to figure some stuff out and it made my guilt trip get extended. I thought Bram knew, so I told him there was nothing to figure out because it was over.

He looked confused and explain that he was asking me what I wanted to do to celebrate my birthday. With all the mess in my life, I had completely forgotten about it and I didn’t feel like doing anything. Bram asked if I was sure because he wasn’t going to let me get out of it that easy.

And neither was Nick. He asked what I was thinking cheating on Bram and told me to shut that shit down. Of course Nick knew because Leah has such a loud mouth.

In our Creative Writing class, I told Eli that this was crazy and that it needed to stop. Martin, being so nosy, asked what needed to stop. I panicked and told him we were discussing my birthday since everyone was making way too big a deal about it.

Martin said that was interesting because he heard Bram say that no one was making a big deal about it. And then he asked Eli if he knew Bram was my boyfriend.

Eli walked off and Martin cornered me saying that I needed to watch it. I played dumb and asked what he meant. Martin said that even though Bram was blind to my treachery, he was not because he always knows when something’s up.

Thankfully, Mr. Wise overheard and asked Martin to elaborate. He made up some bullshit story about us working on an assignment together. He wanted us to write a story about the genesis of a guy who goes from heinous wallflower to hideous skank. AKA my life story.

Mr. Wise seemed interested in the piece because anti-heroes are complicated character studies… and heinous skanks are pleasures to read and ruin to him. He told Martin to write it up and act it out for the class because he suspects that Martin knows how to play a heinous character quite well.

Martin said he couldn’t, so Mr. Wise reminded him to not fuck around in his class. If Martin wants to bully me, Mr. Wise said to do it online.

Then, Mr. Wise told me to grow some balls because no one gets anywhere in life taking shit. He assigned me a 500 word essay on the nuances of being a pussy.

Post-my cowardly reflection expression that was surprisingly not hard to write, I realized I needed to shed my scaredy-cat skin. I was not a wuss or a puss, so it was time to shut down the Eli ballin’ once and for all… until I saw Bram talking to him.

As Bram left for class, I followed Eli to ask him what that was about. He wouldn’t tell me, so I started to panic because I was sure Bram knew and he would blind say-dump me and convinced Eli to be complicit in the scheme because it’s “Bros over Hoes” and I’m the hoe that both of them are mad at.

Eli stopped me mid-spiral and said Bram wanted to buy me a photograph from the open house we went to a couple weeks ago. That was even worse because here I was lying and cheating while Bram was conspiring to surprise me with the most thoughtful, generous gift.

I’m a terrible person, but Eli protested against that and as soon as I told him we had to stop… we kissed again.


	22. Pressing Refresh

Dec 1 - 8:14pm

During lunch, I was feeling paranoid because Cal and Bram did not sit with Leah and I. They seemed to be talking about us, so I asked Leah what she told them.

Leah swore she said nothing because she had been sweating and stuffing her mouth because the only way to keep her from spilling the beans was to eat them.

She wanted me to say that I had put this whole mess to bed, but I told her how I tried and ended up accidentally making out with Eli again.

I just need a day, or five, to figure it out… and fast because Leah said she was getting fat and that if I didn’t handle this soon, she was heading to fat camp.

At the annual school fire drill, Eli grabbed my hand and tried to sneak away but we ran into Bram, Cal, and Leah. It was a close call because Eli walked off while Leah confessed that my dad was throwing me a surprise party. I guess she was at secret containing capacity and word vomit was her only release.

When I got home, I made it my mission to stop the surprise party. My dad tried to act casual but he was holding a magazine backwards and had glitter on his cheek. Technically, I didn’t know about the party and I didn’t want to be the one to spoil his surprise, so I made him do it.

It wasn’t hard to do because my dad also can’t keep a secret, but I told him that I appreciated the gesture. I’m not up to celebrating anyway because I’ve got a lot going on and I just wanna be alone.

What was wrong with me? Why was I so fixated on Eli?

He was cute, yes.

And tall, yes.

And so smart that he was smoldering with sex appeal. Yes, yes, and YES!

So, I knew why… I just needed to quit cold turkey. And my parents decided to honor my birthday request. They are going out of town together so I could have the house to myself. If I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday, they still could.

With my biological anniversary on the horizon, I was relieved to know I’d have some downtime to refresh and recalibrate my sucky circumstances.

I could no longer be seduced by the shiny new boy-toy. I was finally taking control.


	23. Surprise!

Dec 2 - 11:40pm

Eli had taken control. He told me to not talk about it anymore. We were done and suddenly my guilt had turned to gloom. Eighteen sucked.

Eli had barely been a blip on my radar and then suddenly I was addicted. I finally could sympathize with the smokers of the world. Withdrawal was real… and painful.

Bram sang me Happy Birthday and handed me a gift I had to act surprised for. Apparently, I wasn’t just a cheater. I was also a bonafide liar. But I didn’t have to act surprised when I saw the polaroid taken of me at the exhibit where Eli confessed his feelings.

I told Bram I loved my present, but I didn’t deserve it. He asked why not and I had a laundry list of reasons but rounding out the top of the list was the fact that I was simply a terrible person.

I said it was too expensive and Bram, being the perfect boyfriend that he is, said I was worth it because making me happy made him happy.

Bram knew I didn’t want to do anything today because my dad called him to cancel the party, but he offered to sleep over at my place since I was going to be alone.

I asked if we could raincheck because I didn’t feel like celebrating. He seemed disappointed, but said it was my day so I could cry if I wanted.

Weirdly enough, I didn’t see my best friend Leah all day, so as I was walking home I left her a voicemail to tell her the deed was done. Eli and I were over. I promised her there wouldn’t be anymore secrets to keep anytime soon. I just needed to figure out how to tell Bram.

I was finally getting my birthday wish: Time to decompress and de-stress alone… when all of a sudden I hear Eli call out my name.

I asked him what he was doing at my front porch and he promised he was not there to cause trouble. He explained how he felt like he was a little harsh this morning. When he found out today was my birthday, he wanted to make amends.

He gave me a present and I was hesitant on taking it because he didn’t have to do that. Eli said he wanted to and asked if we could be friends. He promised to control himself and completely forget anything ever happened.

I asked him if he wanted to come in, as friends of course, but we ended up kissing once more. As I closed the front door, my parents and my friends jumped out screaming SURPRISE! and caught Eli and I in the act.


End file.
